A lot of people have caused damage, upset me, made me angry, or disappointed me.. But i’m talking about real, significant, lasting pain. The kind of pain you can’t just leave to evaporate, this pain needs proactive work to shed.

The latter of those two is a person who gave up on me, just gave up and walked away.

I never heard from that person again, and for all i knew death had occurred. Of course i could’ve found out, but i didn’t. I didn’t really want to face it, better to have a shield of uncertainty +3 to protect me, and it has.

Till about ten minutes ago, when i saw a familiar name arrive in the top left corner of my monitor. Just text on a screen. Just 13 point antialiased LucidaGrand. Just pixels on a screen that caused my jaw to drop a little, the way you read about in books but never truly believe happens in real life. By the time i could mouse over my hidden contact list window, that name was gone.

Not dead. Just hiding.

And that kind of sucks because really, i’m not that scary.

1. I had a crazy headache which i could not shift. That’s the truth most days, but today was unusually bad – and that’s saying something.
2. I had a cabling nightmare on my desk, so i kept knocking things over.
3. I went to get myself a new phone and found out that the o2 shop salesman had told me something untrue. I couldn’t upgrade my tariff online and then pick up my free phone, i could however buy a phone i was supposed to get for free.
4. I ordered my new free phone online, a week after i would’ve if the salesman had been honest with me.
5. I found out my phone was out of stock.
6. I tried to cancel my old gym membership, but was told i had to send it in writing and would still be charged for another month.
7. I tried to buy some t-shirts from threadless.com but realised i had to activate my new credit card first.
8. I ended up taking out card protection for the aforementioned credit card, which was a smart idea but even more outgoing cash.
9. I realised that i have two or three preorders coming into fruition this month, which is even more money.
10. I preordered Leopard which is superb but cost more than i thought it would.
11. My new Skullcandy headphones turned up – but they weren’t the way i expected them to look.
12. I got abandoned for lunch, again, so i ended up getting really lousy food – which i can still kind of taste, and is still kind of making me feel sick.

So yeah. It’s not been great. My head still hurts.

Edit:

Just incase today wasn’t bad enough.. I just bit my lip really badly, blood and everything. Go me!

Fact.

I remember events like a narrator, i don’t visualise them, i don’t see flashing pictures. The edge of my vision doesn’t go wavy or black and white like it does in the movies. I remember things as if i was told about them. And i was.. i told myself.

I don’t remember dates. I honestly have no idea what day of the year Christmas lies on. I know it’s December, i know it’s in the mid 20′s of the days. Either the 25th or the 26th i believe. After 24 years of life (Okay, the first three don’t count because i wasn’t really self aware, but give me a break) i still have to use logic to work out which day Christmas is.

I only know that much about Christmas because it’s hard to miss. I have no idea when Halloween is, or Easter, or even Pancake day.

When i was in school i couldn’t remember how long classes were, let alone which order mine were in. It was okay in the first few years when you could follow everyone else and be fine, but when everyone’s timetables were different.. I must’ve been the only 17 year old who had to write a cheatsheet to help discern which class he was in next!

What’s the bet that the Google Ads i end up getting on single page view for this end up being about memory improvement treatment or something.

It’s not just events and numbers either. I can’t remember names. Despite my love for Christopher Walken i usually have to refer to him as “uhhh… what’s his name.. looks like a lizard.. he was in Deerhunter! he’s got a superb portrait in that photographers book i have, what’s his name!?”.

“Events” are the big one though. It’s generally safe to say that i don’t remember last week, but sometimes i can’t even recall yesterday. I don’t remember a thing about my early childhood. I don’t remember much about being in school. I don’t really remember getting my degree. But i can still remember the THAC0 rules from Dungeons and Dragons.

For the most part i remember conversations very well. I’m often narcing on friends because they forget things i say. I guess it’s a big deal to me because it’s the one part of my memory that i can rely on. But i think there’s a lot more to it than that.

I remember sound extremely well. Thinking about a song i know will result in the music flowing through my mind like an Mp3. It’s not like listening to music though, it’s a mental operation. It’s like seeing the code and knowing what it means. Confusing, but basically i can just remember the way sound sounds. It’s not something enjoyable really, and it’s no replacement for actually listening to music in any way, but it does lead to a lot of skipping when i have my ipod on. I listen to the first 3 seconds of a song, and i’ve already considered the rest of the track. No surprises left, so i skip it.

Intro -> [skip] -> Intro -> [skip] -> Intro -> [skip] -> Intro -> [skip] -> ad infinitum.

These memory problems don’t really cause me too many problems in life. I don’t remember my past.. i’m sure that probably sounds sucky to you, but i’ve never known any different. It’s just the way life works from my perspective.

The only element that’s ever really caused me problems is remembering birthdays. I can’t do it. The closest i can get is the month, and that’s only for my dad (because i know it’s right after New Year, my most loathed time of year) and for one of my friends whose birthday is a few days before mine. Most of the time it doesn’t matter, i’ll either find out before hand from other people, or i’ll forget and deal with it. But some people (read: some girls) really hate it. I get the whole “you should know!”, why should i know!? What did i do to deserve these presuppositions, apart from being vaguely human?

Give me a break, seriously.

I consider blogs, in part, biographies of the less-than-famous. Written by people who are, generally speaking, out of the public eye. These people aren’t interviewed by journalists or featured in documentaries, so the way for the average Joe to learn about them is simply to read their own words. Read their blog.

One of the hard parts about having, lets say “unusual” interests is that it’s difficult to find people who share them with your, or people who are vaguely interested enough to listen when you go on and on about them. The internet makes this considerably easier. No matter what your interest are, you can inevitably find a community focussed on it if you look hard enough. Of course, this is also one of the ever present dangers of the internet, but that’s another story.

Having a blog, i think, is a good excuse to pretend you’ve found similarly focussed individuals. You know that google et al will pick up on the keywords you include, and will increase the flow of relevant traffic in your direction. You hope that this will bring in the like minded people, and you sit back waiting for them to contact you.

The problem is, if you primarily write for a desired (but potentially fictional) demographic, how do you also write for the people you know? The real life inhabitants of meatspace that read your blog because they know your domain name, or because they have your business card, or because they work with you.

As a human, or at least a close approximation, i act differently to the multitude of folks i meet and liaise with. To some people i’m Geeky, to others Weird, some might call me Emotional. Some people consider me a bit of a Joker, but a few people consider me Serious. Some know not that i won’t suffer their crap, but one or two know they can make fun of me without the risk of offence. To some i’m Philosophic, others think i’m simple minded and easily amused. I’ve been called Sociopathic, Relaxed, Aggressive, Cruel, Cold, Warm, Moody, Generous. Some people consider me some kind of Tech Support, to some people i’m their Emotional Tampon and others consider me Artistic. I’ve been called a Mans Man, and i’ve been called a Womaniser. I’ve even been called a lot worse than that!

I don’t know which of these are true and i don’t much care, but what i certainly do care about is the evident truth that people make their own judgements, and formulate their own opinions based on your differing actions.

The way i joke with my friend Shaun for example cannot translate into my friendly banter with Elliott, and vice versa. The effort i put into enunciation around English people is greater than it is around my fellow countrymen, especially those inhabitants of the armpit of Scotland that i call home. These changes in speaking style give me reason to second guess my writing style. Am i being too formal? Too informal? Too niche? Is my use of slang appropriate?

Too many people in my opinion, are guilty of trying to become the latest undiscovered writer. They write as if the world is reading, when the truth is it’s just a few random Googlers and your aunt Sarah. There’s no need to stress over your grammar and print out the blog post so you can proof read it later. The truth is that the people reading want to learn about you, and the person you are. They want to see shadows of you in the words you type.

Which brings me to my real concern. If everyone sees a different part of me, which parts to i let spill out onto my blog? Do i type this so Shaun appreciates it? Add some discussion about exciting death techniques or tell that i want to drill a small hole in his skull, tie a starving woodpecker to his nose and watch as it feasts on his living brain? Well i could do that, but the truth is that Shaun probably didn’t get much past the first paragraph, it’s not like i’m writing about southpaw video game controls or anything.

I know other people read my posts, i can tell because it taints our conversations. But they don’t comment. So should i write specifically for people whose only evidence of readership comes from Google Analytics and the scattered hint in conversation. Should i flavour my blog entries with things they’ll find familiar and comfortable? Perhaps i should leave them out of it entirely. Should my tone and attitude differ from post to post, suiting the subject matter?

It’s hard to formulate an opinion, and it’s somewhat scary to consider that friends of mine may find my writing unfamiliar, but on the other hand people that don’t know me may get a better impression of who i am.

Where’s the middle ground?